So breakfast this morning was the same as yesterday - yogurt, fruit, and toast. So bizarre to me. Also, a bed and breakfast where there aren't enough seats at the breakfast table for all of the guests? 4 people had to sit out on the porch, which they said they were happy to do, but I wouldn't have been happy if it were me. Anyway, I talked to one couple that was staying there for a little while. We discussed politics, gender, civil rights, deafness in America, all sorts of stuff. There was one interesting interaction I had with them that made me think. Background is that I know (at least conversationally) sign language. And part of Deaf culture is that when you see people signing and you know sign language, if you are not a part of the conversation, you don't watch them. Because watching is tantamount to eavesdropping. So this couple: Emily, who I learned part way through the conversation is hard of hearing, and Amanda, maybe? (can't remember her name). They had just sat down at the table near me and had been speaking when Emily signs something to Amanda in what I immediately recognize as ASL. Now, out of habit, I averted my eyes so as not to eavesdrop, but my question is this: since they had been previously speaking and this communication was obviously meant to be secret between them, because they assumed no one else would know sign language, would I have been wrong to not avert my eyes. I mean, I feel like it was presumptuous at the least to assume that no one else knew sign language. I later signed something and they were all, "oh, you know sign language." and I responded affirmatively, and we talked about that for a while. I really liked them, but this point a bit of a taint on the overall interaction for me. Now, they did infer that Emily has at least some degree of Autism, which I didn't pick up on, but social cues may be not as readable for her and so any rudeness regarding having a private conversation in front of other people may be attributed to that, but it was just an interesting situation for me to think about.
Anyway....I mentioned yesterday (and I think they day before as well) that my ferry off the island today wasn't until 4:00, so I had some time to kill. I was feeling like I had maybe wasted some money by taking my car over to the island, since I didn't use it at all yesterday, but I definitely used it today, so that made me feel like it was worth it. I drove around to the various points on the island, saw the beaches, and visited the lighthouses. I also drove along some residential roads and admired the houses. I stopped at a fish store and bought a lobster roll and some smoked bluefish pate. So yummy!
I caught the ferry back to the mainland and then just had the drive over to Newport, about an hour and a half, totally not bad at all. So, during the drive, I got sick of my podcasts and decided to listen to one of my favorite soundtracks - The Last 5 Years. So good. So emotional. But I surprised myself by not immediately bursting out into tears when singing along to Still Hurting, the opening track. The lyrics:
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Jamie?
What about things that you swore to be true?
What about you, Jamie?
What about you?
... and it goes on. I always cry to this song. It's actually a song I sometimes use when I purposely want to wallow. I sang it once in public last August and could barely get through it. So why no tears today? Rather than tears, it actually gave me this weird hopeful feeling. Could it be that I'm finally actually moving on? It's been almost 2 years since *he* left, since my heart was shattered. I still mark the passage of time according to how long it's been since the last time I saw him, since the last time we spoke. Those are my markers in time. The moments that divide my life into before and after. How is it that it's 2 years later and I'm only just now seeing my way out of a tunnel that took less than a month to build? I don't really know why, but I'm glad it's finally happening. Now, I'm not saying I'm through. I can still tap into those emotions. They're still there. It's just not as raw. There's always going to be a part of me that loves him. And I'm glad for that. I'm glad to know that I have that capability in me, to love someone the way I loved him, purely and without reservation, throwing caution to the wind. But maybe soon I'll be able to appreciate that part without also feeling the pain, the hurt of abandonment and isolation. And maybe someday I'll have other markers in time. So that was my cathartic moment of the day.
I'm staying at an airbnb reservation for the next couple of nights. My room is basically a sun room, with windows on 3 sides. It's quite small, but cozy, with more pillows than there is space on the bed. The air conditioner in my room is spitting water. A quick google search and a visual inspection inform me that the unit was installed improperly and is tilted into the room rather than out and there's pretty much nothing I can do about that unless I want to undertake moving furniture and reseating the unit in the window myself, without knowing what I'm actually doing. So I guess I'll just have to open the windows and let the breeze through. Oh, and then go search for Lean In. Must read!
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